Friend In Office Job Gifts

'Being taller than me will get you nowhere.'

Barry Grolnick: a Good Man in a Bad Cubicle.

Boss's Desk Says No!

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

That shows business confidence.

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"That's Paul, he's our head of partnerships..."

'What's wrong now?'

Well, I see Wilcox is finally using his head...as a paperweight!

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

Superheroes Having a Drink

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

Subordinate Employee

To determine which department would be awarded the Billings contract, employees agreed to play a best-of-five dodgeball tournament.

'We got you a bigger desk. With all the work we'll be dumping on you, you'll be needing it.'

'He's faxing like there's no tomorrow.'

Find out that man's name and give him a rise.

That endless instant between initial eye contact and conscious recognition.

"It's safe to close your eyes and relax...these meetings are safety equipped with front and side airbags."

InOutYada Yada.

Cog-In-The-Wheel

'But before we move on, allow me to belabor the point even further...'

"And, for insurance purposes, you must buy insurance."

"The water does taste a little funny. Maybe they added analgesics, to ease the pain of restructuring."

"The camera is mounted on your desk for a reason. There's been some paperclips missing, and we think you're the culprit."

violence in workplace

"Does this desk make my job look big?"

'Miss Barnes, cancel my appointments. If I start swimming now, I can be back in the office in a few weeks.'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'