Frequent Caller Gifts

"It's so nice to be home, mum, and have unrestricted use of the telephone again"

'Call for you on the cream corn line.'

"Passengers, as we begin our descent, you may now suddenly act open and friendly to the person beside you."

'I feel like my ears are about to pop.'

Excess Baggage: Airlines are constantly working on new seating configurations.

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"Now boarding group 50 and up."

Technological Dependence.

Excess Baggage: Airline CEO's should be forced to work at the check-in counter explaining those hated add-on fees to passengers.

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

"Hell: The Airport"

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

Drama Llama

Business-Class.

"Okay, ha ha, now seriously...Where's the rest of the nuts?"

'I'm just here on a lay-over.'

"Hi..just ringing to see if you got my e-mail?"

"As a courtesy for the inconvenience, please accept a voucher for three additional hours of your life, redeemable upon your death."

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

'The pilot has collapsed! Does anyone here know how to fly?'

Flight: Select your spot.

'I wouldn't be so concerned if they weren't already sitting in the exit row.'

Couple putting baby through the scanner.

"I know what the airlines charge to check a bag is outrageous, but. . ."

"Here’s the thermostat. Like all hotel thermostats, it’s just for show."

"He keeps touching me!"

US Airlines

Airplane Seatbelts

"We've been from sea to shining sea! Why don't you admit you're lost!"

"And that one shows my frequent flier miles."

'Not only am I a frequent flyer, I'm a frequent waiter.'

"May I ask you, sir, if our little jingle on TV had anything to do with your decision to take along the missus?"

'Empty your pockets and go through again.'

'We'd like to start by boarding anyone with hot food they've been waiting to eat on the plane.'