Frenemy Of Banter Pillows

'Technically, I was making fun of your writing ability.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

An Archeologic Dig

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'You're looking well.'

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

'Have I told you how absolutely lovely you look today?'