Banter Lovers Pillows

'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'

"I think it's time to give the word 'fabulous' back to the straight world."

"He may be evil, but his breath is like air conditioning."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

Sadie, Rudy, the holidays are coming up. If we can't get you to agree to a long-term peace accord, may we get a temporary ceasefire? Explain, meathead. As of midnight tonight, each of you agrees not to insult the other. But it's the holidays. It's a time when we're supposed to let the spirit come alive inside you. A time of generosity. Generosity of insults! Stop it! The spirit of judgment and condescension.

'When you take off your glasses and put a bag over your head you're gorgeous!'

Smoker on window ledge sees a plan with banner reading 'No Smoking!'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

An Archeologic Dig

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."