Free-range Foodie Gifts

"I'll be awhile, folks. We have a free-range chef and he's run off again."

Holiday Supplies

The candy house, if the tale of Hansel and Gretel would happen today.

Stuffing the turkey.

Recycling bottle bank.

Barbecue with man, cat and dog.

The Authentic Christmas.

'What's a picnic without ants?'

The boss is truly a courageous risk-taker. Only he tasted the salmon mousse at last year's company picnic.

" 'Unlimited salad bar' sounded better on the menu."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

What's not to like? They're cheap, tasty adn don't destroy the Rain Forest.

'I always shop here. They don't sell low fat ice cream so the guilt is gone.'

"What about laying long-range eggs for protest rallies?"

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

'Do you sell eggs? . . . I forgot to say that I have middle class guilt. . .'

'Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.'

"Delivery."

"I never think about cholesterol when I'm on vacation."

'Would you like to eat in the restaurant or dine outside on our Wasp-atorium?'

"I quit worrying. I've gone 100% non-non and completely free-free."

"I was going to go to the other slop trough, but the music's always too loud."

"Raising free-range chickens is the easy part. The hard part is the drive to Abilene."

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

'These lousy free-range chickens think that they just own the whole world!'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'After 25 years of research we've concluded that you should just eat, drink and be merry.'

'Small, medium or large?'

'I vote we throw caution to the wind.'

Recipes from the Revised Senior Citizen Cookbook

Free Range Tofurkey.

When the Easter Bunny uses eggs from pasture raised chickens he puts them all around the yard, otherwise he clusters them together.

'Due to global warming the Baked Alaska has been replaced by Thawed Alaska.'