Fragile Fanatic Pillows

"Your wife collects stamps! That's nothing, mine collects fine china! You have no idea how stressful it is for me..."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'What do you do with the time you save?'

Friday

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

Remember how you advised me to get a dangerous hobby to build up my self-esteem and impress people? Well, all the dangerous hobbies were already taken. You wrestle alligators

"Messenger, dost thou bring me good news or dost thou bring me bad news?"

'I hate bloody football! It's just a bunch of over-rated, overpaid nancy boys kicking a b-' - 'Genuine football fans may leave work early to avoid missing the start of important World Cup fixtures.' - 'C'mon England!'

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

The Quotable Ben Franklin. To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals. And not flying thy kite during thunderstorms might help, too!

"Is 'family' friend of foe?"

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

'Let's cut right through to the heart of the matter.'

Futuristic Teenagers.

'Dave will only turn the heating on when he thinks it's absolutely necessary.'

"The Curse of the robot followers: At first, Rob was thrilled with the all the attention and followers."

'He thinks there's an evil robot from the future in his closet.'

Shortly after being accepted into John's heart, Jesus lodged in aorta.

"The phone takes some effort to unfold completely, but the 24" screen makes it all worthwhile.

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

"I'm on Twitter and I get the feeling I'm not being followed."

Framed dollar in church secretary office says 'Our First Offering'

Let's see what's around the poetry corner. You mean, we should take a turn for the verse.

'I'm going out to forge an alliance.'

'You must know my kids...they spend like there's no tomorrow.'

"Why do you need to know if I've made a will?"

Extreme Sheepherding

"Nothing like a good stretch before looting and burning."

"I want you to meet these guys-they've got the hottest new stupid thing on the Internet."

"I'd like to introduce our new consultant on risk management!"

"It seems I'm having some credibility issues."

Monk scribe has written ornate letter 'S' which turns into 'Sod this for a lark!!'

"Before we start, I expect you're all figuratively dying for a cup of tea?"

When psychics fight.