Fragile Fanatic T-Shirts

"Your wife collects stamps! That's nothing, mine collects fine china! You have no idea how stressful it is for me..."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'What do you do with the time you save?'

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

Friday

"Messenger, dost thou bring me good news or dost thou bring me bad news?"

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"Is 'family' friend of foe?"

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

'Let's cut right through to the heart of the matter.'

Futuristic Teenagers.

'Dave will only turn the heating on when he thinks it's absolutely necessary.'

"The Curse of the robot followers: At first, Rob was thrilled with the all the attention and followers."

'He thinks there's an evil robot from the future in his closet.'

Shortly after being accepted into John's heart, Jesus lodged in aorta.

"The phone takes some effort to unfold completely, but the 24" screen makes it all worthwhile.

Framed dollar in church secretary office says 'Our First Offering'

'You must know my kids...they spend like there's no tomorrow.'

'I'm going out to forge an alliance.'

"Nothing like a good stretch before looting and burning."

"I want you to meet these guys-they've got the hottest new stupid thing on the Internet."

Extreme Sheepherding

"Why do you need to know if I've made a will?"

"I'd like to introduce our new consultant on risk management!"

Monk scribe has written ornate letter 'S' which turns into 'Sod this for a lark!!'

When psychics fight.

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

"They call this a universal charger?"