Fortunes And Follies Fan Gifts

'I won the lottery, but lost it all in tech stocks.'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

How Many It Takes

I need a raise. This is no time to joke. I've been on a buying binge at the iPhone app store and I can't pay my credit card. These apps are worth it. They're life-changing, they're

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

101 uses of a dead cat: rollerskates

Your Palm

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Can we have all of your candy, a dog biscuit and a smoke for my cat friend here?"

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'First time skiing?'

Sorry, pal, no - there's no rest stop for the wicked.

Ask a Silly Question, Get A Silly Answer

"There's something funny about those two."

'First, we'll do a job performance preview.'

Bad Medieval first dates.

"I see cars. Lots of illegally parked cars."

"How's my life line doing?"

' You misread the ad,I'm looking for a light-weight engine.'

Do you think we should tell anyone about this?

"I guess we can forget about trying to get blood out of him!"

'Everything will turn to gold-but don't worry,it won't last....'

"There was no large metal object in your rib cage after all. Turns out I was just seeing this old-timey doctor thing on my forehead."

"I was looking for a more long range answer than 'Happy Hour.'"

You are here but you should be here

"If you never date a prediction it can't be proved wrong."

"My apologies Mr Hare, I must be misreading this. You're right, how could you possibly lose the race against the tortoise tomorrow..."

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'I see a body of water...with soap.'

"You will soon come into a lot of money."

'He catches all kinds of things when he's fishing...colds...flu...lumbago...rheumatism...'