Fortune Telling Gifts

'How do you want it - the crystal mumbo jumbo or the statistical probability?'

"This just isn't doing it for me. Could we go back to using the crystal ball?"

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

'That's the skip-forward button. Great for jumping to conclusions.'

Madame Borigard: Reader of the Occult - Derivatives & Credit Default Swaps Explained

'Should I buy or sell?'

Economists.

'Know your future - palmistry, tarot cards, DNA screening'

'You're going to get bigger.'

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

"I see good things in your future."

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

Tells it like it was, Tells it like it is, Tells it like it will be.

'Frankly, I don't see any chance of your hitting it big in the stock market.'

'When will it be OK to feel irrationally exuberant again?'

'Your crystal ball has holes in it!' 'When business is bad I give bowling lessons!'

'But if you want the real lowdown, we'll need some of your DNA.'

"You will fall backward. But eventually you will spring ahead."

'I see weapons of mass destruction!'

'...and you cannot change a thing, as you are completely controlled by your genes.'

Man asking a clairvoyant about the future.

'You will be appointed principal of a school and you will resist change for your entire career,'

'I haven't used a crystal ball in years.'

Fortune-teller: 'AHH, what the...?!'

"You're going to get the measles..."

'I foresee a nasty fall in your immediate future, but for twenty bucks I can give you a second opinion.'

'Don't scoff, she's the best futures analyst we've ever had.'

Fortune teller: Closed due to Forseen Circumstances.

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

"We no longer use Astrology or crystal balls. We now use algorithms to predict the future."

Crystal balls: 'We have three new models to choose from: Scam, Swindle and Extort.'

"You will be going on a long walk."

Psychic Car Mechanics.

"I see many gifts. They say do not open till Christmas."

"Out today due to foreseen circumstances."