Fortune Telling Pillows

'How do you want it - the crystal mumbo jumbo or the statistical probability?'

"This just isn't doing it for me. Could we go back to using the crystal ball?"

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

'That's the skip-forward button. Great for jumping to conclusions.'

Madame Borigard: Reader of the Occult - Derivatives & Credit Default Swaps Explained

'Should I buy or sell?'

Economists.

'Know your future - palmistry, tarot cards, DNA screening'

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'You're going to get bigger.'

"I see good things in your future."

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

Tells it like it was, Tells it like it is, Tells it like it will be.

'When will it be OK to feel irrationally exuberant again?'

'Frankly, I don't see any chance of your hitting it big in the stock market.'

'Your crystal ball has holes in it!' 'When business is bad I give bowling lessons!'

'But if you want the real lowdown, we'll need some of your DNA.'

'You will be appointed principal of a school and you will resist change for your entire career,'

'I haven't used a crystal ball in years.'

'I see weapons of mass destruction!'

'...and you cannot change a thing, as you are completely controlled by your genes.'

Man asking a clairvoyant about the future.

"You will fall backward. But eventually you will spring ahead."

Fortune-teller: 'AHH, what the...?!'

'Don't scoff, she's the best futures analyst we've ever had.'

'I foresee a nasty fall in your immediate future, but for twenty bucks I can give you a second opinion.'

"You're going to get the measles..."

Fortune teller: Closed due to Forseen Circumstances.

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

Madame Zola - Bitcoin futures

Crystal balls: 'We have three new models to choose from: Scam, Swindle and Extort.'

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

"We no longer use Astrology or crystal balls. We now use algorithms to predict the future."

"I see many gifts. They say do not open till Christmas."