Fortune Telling Fan Pillows

'Frankly, I don't see any chance of your hitting it big in the stock market.'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

Fortune teller: Closed due to Forseen Circumstances.

'The fiscal cliff and debt ceiling are scaring people. I see lots of traders going to emerging markets.'

"I see fireworks, I see people celebrating..."

'You're going to meet a tall, dark stranger.'

'...and I see dozens, no, hundreds of dirty socks lying on the floor! And I see windowless cars filled with injured squirrels and blind cats, who take you to an oasis of bacon bits...'

'This time last year you told me that I would meet a tall handsome stranger. Now I need his name and address.'

'Sorry, I don't see anything about cattle futures.'

"I can see you'll meet a tall, very tall in fact, handsome stranger soon..."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"Why bother?"

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

"The sweater you knit him will be thrown out in February."

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Asking out a palm reader.

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'I foresee a few more months of creating havoc without consequences, and then, yes, I see the 'cute' factor will start to wear thin...'

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Quantum Psychic

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

Channelling on the Cheap

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

'I can see a visit to the vet, but, oh my, no more kids after that!...'

Using psychic powers, the final exam had been a breeze. However, Madame Evetta did not realize that the student in front of her from who she had obtained the majority of her answers, was Bugs Higgins.

Card Reader in PC Supplies Store.

'I see you in five years from now, you're still coming to see me. Do you want me to book the appointments in advance?'