Fork Fumbler Pillows

'Have you been eating right?'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

"You and your daft inventions."

"You overwatered the plant, again."

The Final Chapter.

Medical Supplies

A Fork-lift.

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

"You know, Socrates said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living,' however, in your case, Edwin, it might be a blessing."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

Perpetual motion car

"…Ok, tough guy, see this scar? Prius hit me—didn’t even hear it coming." "I got that beat. Right here: three-year-old woke me from a nap with a fork."

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

Spoonfest

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

Athlete nearly reaches finish line after his trousers fall down.

'Our mortgage is now owned by a guy named Lenny the Squid in bayonne, N.J.'

"You know, you could have just said that you wanted that last piece of pie, dear!"

'He must be so excited - Today is his very first day at school!'

Novice gardener - not recognising daffodil

'Dinner will be a little late -- I was overcome by the fumes.'

"I'll say it was good. There were times I even stopped looking at my phone."

"I accidentally logged into Turtle Tax instead of Turbo Tax a month ago and I'm still trying to get our W-2 information entered."

"No. The second fork is for defense."

"Relax! It's NOT a heart attack! The owner's manual says to expect intense panic during the unpacking stage, as you wonder how in the world you're going to pay for yet another totally impulsive purchase. It should pass in a day or so!"

'No, but my friends hate me intensely.'

"You ordered a tanker load, remember?" "I meant one of these!" (pointing to tiny oil tank).

'When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs.'

Number 2

We're #1

"Your broker called. You're broke."

'He's all thumbs!'