Forever Boastful Gifts

'He was competitive to the very end.'

Man to other about fish on wall: Heh - I use that size fish for bait!'

Do you think I'm sixty?

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

'Oh, really? I work for little softy.'

Fish talking in a bar - one has a heap of hooks hanging out of his head 'And you must be the one who got away?'

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

'Selling a stock and marking a profit is better than selling it at a loss, if only for the bragging rights.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

I always think of old age as ten years older than I am.

One-upmanship.

"Guess what Darling, Nigel's telephone number is exactly the same as my salary."

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

'I've been a model, a film star, a soap star, a dress designer... next I'm going to write a children's book and after that...'

'And that's only the size of the fly.'

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

"You look amazing Dad. Has Mrs Arnold been ironing your face again?"

'Each candle represents a year of you remaining 35. . .'

"Of course I'm young at heart...I had one of my wrinkles pierced, didn't I?"

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

'I've had raging hormones for the last 80 years.'

'I still have all my own teeth but my head is false.'

'See! I told you my dad is a boxer!'

Mothers. . . have no shame.

'These represent all of the career milesones I passed on my way to the top. Each trophy was created to my exacting specifications. Each picture, with world leaders, was carefully crafted using advanced phot-editing software.'

'On the FBI Most Wanted, I was once number 473...'

'I'm telling you it was this big!' - Anglers Wives

Liar's Club fish

'We'll be a few minutes late. Ed got a primo parking space and he needs a little gloat time.'

"Tonight: date with an angel: gonna meet her at seven: be on my way to heaven. Get the picture, Bob?"

"She admits to being 40, but not when."

'This is the third year in a row she claims she's just 5 1/2 years old.'