For My Little Sister Pillows

Kid at bus stop to kid: 'Needless to say, I cured my Mom of her home-schooling kick.'

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

"What you call tricks I call humiliations."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Thanks to her cat-cam, Cheryl was able to keep her furniture from being shredded while she was at work.

"Just let her believe in fairies a little while longer."

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

'I don't know what 'peer pressure' is, but it makes a GREAT excuse!'

High security Santa's grotto

"By the way, the failing grades you'll be seeing-they won't be virtual."

"We're just going to have to face the fact that you're not a puppy anymore!"

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

'Projectile painting.'

'Fragile little dogs are not supposed to enjoy walks in such weather.'

"Recess does things to a man."

"Remember, kids, it's not winning that matters, it's getting a clean urine sample that's important."

"It's called, 'Goth'."

"One day, I'll be the first woman!"

'Let's see what else will explode in the microwave!'

"Rapunzel's gone punk."

Kid blowing bubble takes off.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

'They don't make cars like they used to.'

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Let's play doctor - I'll listen to your heart and you give me all your allowance.'

'You can come out, Marmaduke. I was just kidding about putting lipstick on you.'

'Don't be surprised if he throws that life preserver at you. I got him at a rescue shelter.'

Little girl drawing big sun puts on sunscreen.

'I hate it when I have to talk on my phone.'

"Grandma, what big – wait, is that a flamethrower?"

The noise from the basement was probably nothing – but if it was, she was a sacrifice her older brothers were willing to make.