Foodie Sleuth T-Shirts

"My skinny husband is a man of mystery. Where he puts all that food no one knows."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"There's a big green giant at the door!"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'I told you that 2 month old balonie was cursed!'

GM Crops Genie.

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

The moat won't keep you from raiding the fridge if you order him to lower the drawbridge.

At the Periodic Picnic Table of the Elements

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

"Isn't it enough we tip well? Must we also like him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter?"

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

"Why don't we skip the falafel bar, Sinbad."

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

Einstein tests his pasta-antipasto theory.

"Remind me - superfood or carcinogen?"

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

"Who remembers when food wasn't genetically modified?"

Butcher Shop. Special: Soup Bones! Soup has bones?!

"When you came down for a snack last night, did you see a plate of dog food in here?"

'My compliments to your bioengineer.'

'Waiter! There's a . . . oh, never mind.'