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'Merrill Lunch: Invest in our blue-chip soups and sandwiches.'

"He thinks venture capitalists will fund anything with an @."

And so, Rudy unwittingly became an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. At first, he was furious having lost his weekly paycheck. But then it dawned on him: He was back in the dot-com game – for the first time in 20 years. He was practically a venture capitalist! I'm a social media investor. It's a multi-platform play with, obviously, huge mobile capability, global reach, soaring audience share. Revenue model? What? Huh? Beat it.

'Your Starbucks, McDonald's, and Hershey Stocks all went down. That shows you should never buy on an empty stomach.'

'Well? - Shall we do a little investing?'

'Asian stocks rose, on news MSG may be the next biofuel...'

'Mitchell, how's your research going on fast food chain investments?'

Build Your Own Portfolio

Soup of the month.

Budget Bureau. Ernie, spilling something from every food group on it, does not make it a "balanced" budget!

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

"I didn't invent the wheel. I invented the pizza."

'Running your own business means being self-made, unfortunately it also means finding out what you're made of!'

'Gentlemen-the sweets smell of success!'

Lottery - come back to eat here 20 times and you will win million dollar in lottery.

"If you find a shiny lure in your fish dinner, the chef would like it back. He needs to catch more fish for dinner."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

Roadkill Restaurant

"Liverwurst is down an eighth, egg-salad is up two and a half, and peanut-butter-and-jelly remains unchanged."

"I like the Businessman's Special. The fortune cookies all have stock futures in them."

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

'You shouldn't put all your cash into one stock... you need to diversify. Try buying beef, vegetable and chicken stock...'

Joe's Bar and Grill and Focus Group.

Cooking the books

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

"I suggest an investment in Chicken stock."

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

Bank Roll

"I'm a genetically engineered chicken substitute."

'That's $27.50, including the fuel surcharge, carbon tax, noise nuisance and environmental impact fee.'

'You say that you were a chef before retraining as an accountant?... That's good, we could use a bookkeeper who can cook.'