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Cooking the books

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

'I asked Tom to stop and pick up some chicken stock - he came home with 5,000 shares of Tyson.'

The day the stock market went UP.

Build Your Own Portfolio

Budget Bureau. Ernie, spilling something from every food group on it, does not make it a "balanced" budget!

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'Gentlemen-the sweets smell of success!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

And so, Rudy unwittingly became an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. At first, he was furious having lost his weekly paycheck. But then it dawned on him: He was back in the dot-com game – for the first time in 20 years. He was practically a venture capitalist! I'm a social media investor. It's a multi-platform play with, obviously, huge mobile capability, global reach, soaring audience share. Revenue model? What? Huh? Beat it.

Lottery - come back to eat here 20 times and you will win million dollar in lottery.

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

'Your Starbucks, McDonald's, and Hershey Stocks all went down. That shows you should never buy on an empty stomach.'

"I like the Businessman's Special. The fortune cookies all have stock futures in them."

"Liverwurst is down an eighth, egg-salad is up two and a half, and peanut-butter-and-jelly remains unchanged."

'You shouldn't put all your cash into one stock... you need to diversify. Try buying beef, vegetable and chicken stock...'

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

Chicago School of Home Economics

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

"You'll never soar like an eagle, but your wings will make you very popular."

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

Lunch Broker

Bank Roll

'You say that you were a chef before retraining as an accountant?... That's good, we could use a bookkeeper who can cook.'

'That's $27.50, including the fuel surcharge, carbon tax, noise nuisance and environmental impact fee.'

Pork bellies 3 times a day...cookbook for the commodities investor.

"Wood-oven-toasted rosemary focaccia or traditional baguette?"

'My broker advises me to have the pork bellies.'

Theories expounded

"He's working out what he can buy when his pay rise comes through."

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

Man reading fortune cookie: 'Hey, cool - it's an up-to-the-minute stock report.'

'We've had a cash machine put in.'

'Tonight on the Gourmet Accountant - cooking the books.'