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Cooking the books

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

The day the stock market went UP.

Build Your Own Portfolio

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'Gentlemen-the sweets smell of success!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Lottery - come back to eat here 20 times and you will win million dollar in lottery.

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

Chicago School of Home Economics

"Liverwurst is down an eighth, egg-salad is up two and a half, and peanut-butter-and-jelly remains unchanged."

'You shouldn't put all your cash into one stock... you need to diversify. Try buying beef, vegetable and chicken stock...'

"I like the Businessman's Special. The fortune cookies all have stock futures in them."

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"You'll never soar like an eagle, but your wings will make you very popular."

Lunch Broker

Bank Roll

'That's $27.50, including the fuel surcharge, carbon tax, noise nuisance and environmental impact fee.'

'You say that you were a chef before retraining as an accountant?... That's good, we could use a bookkeeper who can cook.'

'My broker advises me to have the pork bellies.'

"Wood-oven-toasted rosemary focaccia or traditional baguette?"

Pork bellies 3 times a day...cookbook for the commodities investor.

'We've had a cash machine put in.'

Theories expounded

"He's working out what he can buy when his pay rise comes through."

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

Man reading fortune cookie: 'Hey, cool - it's an up-to-the-minute stock report.'

'Tonight on the Gourmet Accountant - cooking the books.'

'Oh yes, the market may fall, but trust me, we always land on our feet.'

'Mrs. Gersten, I'm taking you out of trans-fatty acid stocks, and putting you into fruits and veggies'

'Today I invested in some Chinese stocks, but I felt greedy again in an hour.'