Food Trend Skeptic Gifts

The Toxic Avocado Critic

Food-Fad Intolerant

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

"Where do we put Desserts?"

La Table

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

See you at the farmers market!

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

All Natural Nothing

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Is the MSG local?"

Queen of Quinoa

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"I always end up buying way more black-truffle honey than I intended."

Spontaneous Kombucha

"D'you remember caramel before it all became 'salted?'"

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Cinema with a salad bar in its lobby.

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"Fridge-to-table"

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

'It's one of those trendy 'warm salads,' with sausage, fried eggs, bacon and black pudding.'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

The Pumpkin Spice Routes

If middle-age birthday cards were honest...