Food Sourcing Humorist Pillows

"Wine with dinner tonight, Tom - and it's locally sourced!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'The Burrito King.'

Dolphin friendly tuna

Herbophiles protest mass killings of plants.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"