Food Sourcing Humorist Pillows

"Wine with dinner tonight, Tom - and it's locally sourced!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Dolphin friendly tuna

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

Herbophiles protest mass killings of plants.

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'