Food Critic Chuckler Gifts

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Richard's not a foodie - he's a boozie."

The Lunch Trough Restaurant

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

"I hear they serve Australian swamp rat in first."

"May I offer you a side of life insurance?"

"Something will fall down from the sky and it will be the end of the world - just because you didn't eat all of your carrion for lunch, my boy!"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

'We just invented cooking yesterday, and already she's serving leftovers!'

F&E Diner. I'll bet you want the alphabet soup, right? Hey! Don't put words in my mouth!

"I don't know where to begin, each dish has its own app."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"[Old Steak Bone Tavern]"

NASA, 'I thought YOU were bringing a can opener!'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'Today's special is yesterday's left-overs.'

Uncle Giving Boy a Mince Pie

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"My lord, Sir Arthur is pleased to bid thee welcome to his food court."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

"Obviously, sir, it's a very discerning, vegetarian fly."

Bagel problems.