Food Channel Follower Pillows

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

"Where do we put Desserts?"

Queen of Quinoa

Can't Touch This

'Does this thing get channel four.'

Spontaneous Kombucha

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

Local, free-range bug juice.

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

"Aaah, early morning, my favourite part of the day..."

"I had them sharpened so I can eat cows."

"Bingo, it's the hippy lady again! She always throws something interesting: last week it was honey-beer bread..."

"And the best part of grinding their bones to make your bread - totally gluten free!"

"I think you'd be surprised by how simple this avocado toast recipe is."

"Fall is coming, Snickers. We must pumpkin spice everything."

"What's trending?"

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

Popeye Switches to Kale.

'Now you tell me you've gone vegan?'

There's a sky full of bloated women counting on you to produce a pro-biotic yoghurt like you've never produced before!

"What's upscale today, Joey?"

"Avocado...t-toast..."

'To authenticate this recipe, first purchase a Soil Association accredited small holding in an unspoilt and exclusive locale, steadily add copious illustrated puff pieces to the nation press and plug. . .'

'Big turnover at center ice! Mmm...looks delicious.'

"So, it's Gluten free, lactose free and meat free. How does it taste?"

"Where can I find your organic, locally raised children?"

"Why don't we just take photos of other people's food and order whatever gets the most Facebook likes?"

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

Hoax Ethnic Food

'Can you believe this? Now some food faddists want 'nectar-free' honey.'

"Yes, it was a lovely meal wasn't it? I used a marvellous new caterer called 'pest control'."