Flavor Fixer Gifts

Misread tsp as tbsp.

'Needs salt!'

Waiting for Pants

"Now, in contrast to the last olive oil you tasted, this one is infused with sixty-five more dollars."

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Cheese Pile

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

"Well, there's your problem right there -- you need to sauté the onions in white wine before adding the ginger."

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

"My holy grail is low-fat, low-cal, high-taste."

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

"I recommend the pimento loaf with pickle. It's bursting with umami."

Molecular gastronomy.

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

"It's all down to turmeric!"

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"I have a strong personal commitment to dinner."

"I'm here to fix the lasagne."

For some unknown reason, there were no takers for the Flavor-of-the-Month in June.

Mexican Seasoning Mix Mines / Polynesian Sauce Works

"This artificial flavouring doesn't taste like artificial flavouring."

'This tastes like dishwater.'

"Are you really sure we're supposed to give points for sound?"

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Clockdown

"I can't put my finger on it...but something is very wrong."

"But I put garlic into nearly ALL my cooking..!"

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'Not bad -- now let's try it with a twist of lime.'

Gloria, what's a good remedy for garlicky hands? Rigatoni gloves.

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'