Fixer-upper Jokester Pillows

"I'm charging extra to remove the duct tape you thought would work."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

Man to pets about upside down house: 'I don't care who started it!'

'Is the fire included?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'No it's still not fixed'

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

The Fuse

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

Well paid job

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

'Buy this house sir, and you could be a star in a DIY make-over programme!'

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"Thanks for fixing the muffler."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

'Now that you've got it running again, how do you stop it?'

'Well sir, out 'idyllic country cottage' may be a bit extreme, but you have to admit its got potential.'

'That must be the termite inspector.'

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"