Fitting Room Philosopher Gifts

'Do these pants make me look fat?'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

Critisize your weight.

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

An old man exercising with hourglasses

"Smoke a cigar that fits your face."

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

"Hydro density appartus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

Guy in gym

"So that's where you were last night."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

"I'm having second thoughts about those damn school uniforms."

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

'Wow, look at all these prescription drugs that are out of date.' FLUSH 'Happy as clams explained.'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

'On my new diet I can eat anything I want, but have to walk 500 miles a day.'

Everyone has a good novel inside them.

Clown Nightmares

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'

I guess Grandpa was once a wise king, too. He always says he does his best thinking on the throne.

“Face it, dear...you’re a chair. You’ll see a lot of ends, but very few beginnings.”