Fitting Room Philosopher Gifts

'Do these pants make me look fat?'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

Critisize your weight.

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Smoke a cigar that fits your face."

An old man exercising with hourglasses

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

"Hydro density appartus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

Guy in gym

"So that's where you were last night."

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

'Wow, look at all these prescription drugs that are out of date.' FLUSH 'Happy as clams explained.'

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

"I'm having second thoughts about those damn school uniforms."

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

'On my new diet I can eat anything I want, but have to walk 500 miles a day.'

Everyone has a good novel inside them.

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

I guess Grandpa was once a wise king, too. He always says he does his best thinking on the throne.

“Face it, dear...you’re a chair. You’ll see a lot of ends, but very few beginnings.”