Fiscal Manager Gifts

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'We're under capitalized. As soon as we reach the break even point we'll buy a lemon.'

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Will work for ETFs

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

A Day In The Kitchen

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Your expense account ain't what it used to be. There's not enough money on your card to cover the $5.35."

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

"Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% budget allocation."

Why do you need so many computers?

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

Investing your savings

'The good news is we've finally turned the corner. The bad news is, no government bailout.'

"I managed to find a healthy work-life balance, but now there's a problem with my bank balance."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"What comes after zillion?"

And this is a little ditty I wrote called 'the third quarters profit and loss account' ...Colin often wished that he'd followed his first love and taken up a career as a musician

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

City Finance Dept: My Way/The Highway

"However, we're doing rather well, according to uninformed sources."

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."