Fiscal Fortune Teller Gifts

'Incredibly, my research shows that the universe is expanding at precisely the same rate as the US budget deficit.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"The sweater you knit him will be thrown out in February."

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

Asking out a palm reader.

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Quantum Psychic

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

Channelling on the Cheap

Madame Lucille - Fortune Teller 'I predict the future'.

Using psychic powers, the final exam had been a breeze. However, Madame Evetta did not realize that the student in front of her from who she had obtained the majority of her answers, was Bugs Higgins.

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"I see a pretty lady who looks a lot like you....a very kind lady...and she's adopting what appears to be a box of adorable kittens!"

'I see you in five years from now, you're still coming to see me. Do you want me to book the appointments in advance?'

Pie Filling Reader

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Psychic to Leylandii tree - 'You will reach great heights.'

"You will meet a tall, mysterious stranger — you will rub fur on his pant leg."

'You're going on a long journey. Have you got an OAP's bus pass?'

"I used to be a medium, but now I'm a large."

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

'I'm sorry, Madam Zola. I'm afraid you no longer have second sight.'

"I can't really tell you the future but I'll tell you what's trending on Twitter."

"You are going to have lots of puppies."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

"It will be all your fault."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"