First-time Hosting T-Shirts

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'We can always cook it one half at a time.'

'I sent out for everything.'

Tartine

Come dine with me!

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

Dinner at the Trapdoors

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

Canape?

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

Horn of Leftovers

"Joel! Killer crust!"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"It comes with a small Greek salad."

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

'So glad you could make it! Do come in...'

"I'd like to toast our guests."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

'Giles is a surgeon who likes to bring his work home with him.'

"We used to entertain a great deal."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

"Oh, great, there are the Cardwells. Bet you they try to talk to us about their levitating cube."

Join me for dinner?

"I sense a lot more going on with you than 'house-husband."

"Put out the Asian sates, the Russian blinis, and the Mexican bean dips, while whip up something Korean."

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Wow! The big guy! And what kind of B.T.U.s am I looking at here?"

"A table in Siberia, please."