First Church Service With Baby Pillows

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Early Piety

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'I can't wait to embarrass him when he's a teenager.'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

R.C.I.A.

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Finger puppets in church.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"It's a cup holder."

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.