First Bedtime Story Gifts

"Am I looking happy or sad in the appropriate places?"

Reading Goldilocks - 'I know you don't like porridge, but bears eat anything.'

Late night teddy reading

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'She's just great with the children.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

'Don't touch that tooth, dad. I'm expecting the tooth fairy at any moment.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Well did he?"