Bedtime Story Ritual Gifts

fairy tales

"Cows jumping over the moon? Dishes running away with spoons? And this was written before people took recreational drugs?"

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Late night teddy reading

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Boy and Bear and Monster

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

'At lone at last.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

'The pile of unread books by the bed looks bigger than the futon...'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."