First Aid Humorist Gifts

Due to their strength and quick reflexes, trained boa constrictors are now used by many restaurants to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

'Hang on, Donny - Heimlin...Heinlit..dang! How do you spell that thing'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The first one's just a warning."

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

Cardiac Recovery.

Vlad the Inhaler

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'