Fire-side Chatter Gifts

Marshmallows

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

Courage. Love.

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

One giant bark for dogkind.

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

Ramblers Association

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"Wine improves with age."

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."