Fire-side Chatter Gifts

Marshmallows

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

Take seat. Nothing makes me happier than keeping people warm and cooking s'mores for them. Friendly fire.

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

Courage. Love.

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

One giant bark for dogkind.

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

Voting on their Seats

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

Ramblers Association

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

'Did you see iPlayer last night?'