Fire Drill Dodger Pillows

'Yes, I'm home early. We had a school fire drill, so naturally I sought the safety of our house.'

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

"Mom, no raking for me this fall! Got any more leaf bags?"

"So, who would you like me to call first, dear, the plumber or the exterminator?"

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

"The following is a test of the fire-alarm system. It is only a test. Please ignore the intense heat and combustion."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Maybe I haven't made myself clear enough. I really don't want to be disturbed today!'

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

The Feng Shui of the road must be off.

"Do I get to lawyer up before I see the Principal?"

Trading Places.

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

Sleeping through new year celebrations

'I mean, how totally lame is this? Just as the marketing for our new video game was about to go viral, the Center for Disease Control shut us down!'

'No slapping, Wilson! We don't start full-contact drills until tomorrow!'

'Sorry, I can't talk now, Mr. Harris, I'm texting right now! I'll take whatever punishment you want to give me.'

"Are you listening to me?"

'Instead of brushing my teeth can't I just chew on one of his dog biscuits?'

"No, Senator, I'm afraid stretching the truth doesn't count as yoga."

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

'Another one. Do you realize that will make the third time this month we've held a fire drill?'

'If you don't stop interrupting me with your phone calls, we're never going to finish our face to face meeting.'

"Judging by all the parts that fell off our car, I must've have hit more potholes than I thought."

"Up to now, I feel my childhood experience has been a very positive one! Why spoil it with some silly rules?"

"Yeah, almost didn't make it out of that one."