Finds Humor In Odd Jobs Gifts

'How much for you to do my tax return?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Should be home soon. I'm just clearing away the usual paperwork.'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

What do you think of the application so far?

'This new 4570mhz system with super high-speed dsl internet connection will allow you to work 50% harder and I'll be able to keep in touch with you from my yacht.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"I don't think I'll go in today. I just dreamed a whole day's work, including lunch."

'I told him that I was leaving...that I couldn't put up with the endless stream of meaningless paperwork, the mind and morale sapping mountain of procedures and protocols!'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"I hate it when you bring your work home with you!"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

The AdRams Family no.15 - Godzilla screensaver

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'... Service your gas fire?... Certainly, I can not bother turning up this Tuesday morning, if that's convenient.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

"What quality do you have, that will make us hire you as our new telephone support employee?"

"I can start you on minimal wage."

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

'May I have your card? I'll be sending either a thank you, or a screw you note.'

If Job offers told the truth...

"Sorry, but we're looking for someone with more experience."

"Don't bother checking my references. That's my pretend resume."

'One more thing. New hires have to show up early each day for obedience training.'