Finds Clever Takes On Daily Life Amusing Gifts

Advanced Paper Training

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

Elderly Dating

"It's not as good a deal as it sounds - it's based on THEIR lifetime."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Cloning departments

'Put this hundred dollar bill under his nose and he'll come around!'

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

'As I see it, there are two groups. Them - who came from nowhere and wear fig leaves - and us, who have been around for a long time, and are just trying to evolve.'

"No offense..."

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

Sheep Pranks.

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

"I'm always recovering from the previous ten minutes of my existence."

'No, you weren't suffering from hot flashes again, dear. It really was boiling in the dining room and the toilet seats did have frost build up.'

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

"You have three weeks to live, and I'm afraid they're in Feburary."

General Dentistry.

"You're ink blot test results indicate you're a very competitive person...."

"The man I dated wasn't honest with me. He told me he earns six figures. He never told me that includes the decimal."

Time spent in a typical day

Insurance Claims Offices: Push and Pull the Other One!

'. . . How long have you been on to me?'

"Apparently reading about the causes of cancer gives you cancer."

'Ken, what have you rejected?' 'The rabbit droppings Noel!'

Kiss My A**/Wipe Your Feet!

STOP! Do not attempt to move.

Clancy: The Treatment I Deserve