Financially Fluent Pillows

"Our New York office says it was because somebody spotted Alan Greenspan making a larger than usual withdrawal from a cash dispenser."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

'But Dad, all the other kids get a roth IRA as part of their allowance package.'

Squirrel putting nuts in a safe box.

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

"Unfortunately Daddy already owes the government about 500,000 Pokemon cards."

"And we will absolutely start lending again as soon as we finish building our debtors' prison."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"Gee, thanks! What rate of interest does it pay?"

"I don't get an allowance. I get earnings per share."

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'Order fast, folks - the prices have an expiration date.'

Hell, "I think there's been some sort of mistake, I still owe my soul to the mortgage company"

"Do you know that we saved a ton of money on legal fees by being more ethical?"

Low standard of living

'I hear the market went on quite a roller coaster ride today.'

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"The scammers managed to clear out your entire pension fund."

'Any time you need more, the money tree is here.'

'Is my allowance a form of income redistribution?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I don't know man. It sounds a lot like a pyramid scheme to me."

"Uh, Dad, I appreciate the 'walkin' around money,' but I need 'walkin' around New York City money.'"

"He put the 'fun' in funding."

'The secret of a contented life, my son, is to invest in true low-cost index funds.'

'I already know about the birds and the bees. Tell me about investing my allowance for capital appreciation.'

This franchise is great, but what's in it for you?