Financial Faker Gifts

"Rest assured we invest your money as if it were our own. Can I borrow 50 bucks?"

'You're close, Spencer, but usually a business plan is a little more involved!'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'I love it when you say - 'I'm going to print money'.'

Propping up a profits chart.

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

Mono-Tasking, Multi-Tasking, No-No Tasking and Nada Tasking.

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Goodbye cruel world."

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

'The increased child tax credit is supposed to stimulate the economy...so how about a raise in my allowance?'

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

'That's much better.'

People often have us confused with investment bankers. We loot and plunder, leaving a mess wherever we go, and when there are complaints we claim endangered species status.

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

What's 'Bitcoin'?

"By now, you've probably noticed that around here, money talks and you-know-what walks!"

'I wonder if I can declare you as dependents on my income taxes?'

"I hate it when he makes snow angels in his bonus."

"He put the 'fun' in funding."

Investments: Still Open to New Investors - 'A fool & his money fund.'

Luck of the IRS.

'I need you to reassure the investors. Can you keep a straight face?'

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

"We've isolated your disease, Mrs. Grosenik. We can proceed as soon as we isolate your checkbook."

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."