Finance Realist Gifts

Lockey Investment Company: 'Sometimes exceeding your expectations in a sober, downturn, 21st century lower-expectations way.'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

World Production.

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

'But I do have fun. I have lots lots of fun. I have lots of fun making money.'

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Good news, Mr. Blume! Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

"I'm not particular, I'll take any job that will replace a human."

'I've fired the entire company except you, Jerkins. You'll have more work without pay, but you do have job security.'

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

We've been pre-approved by the credit card company to give them a loan.

"Monogamy? In this economy?"

"A glimmer of hope is fine, Hendricks, but anything more than that will lead to massive disappointment."

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

"Happiness is more important than money,but it is easier to count money."

'That does it. . . Little Freddie is not going to law school! He's going to become an oncologist, Mary a gerontologist and Stevie a pharmacist! We'll be covered!'

'Kids, come quick! Santa's been here and he left all kinds of super expensive, super cheap stuff!'

Blood is thicker than water. Oil is thicker yet.

'With all due respect for your horoscope, your loan payment is still due today.'

"Life is full of transitions...like from student loan to credit card debt."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

Just another life lesson son. Nothing in life is free.