Finance Comically Gifts

'He's had a much healthier attitude to our financial woes since he started taking prescription anti-depressants.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

Footing The Bill

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."