Field Goal Fanatic Pillows

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

Punishment for the kicker.

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

If nobody had invented graphics

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Raheem Sterling

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

Alternative fielding positions

Football

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'Why couldn't you throw like that in the game?'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"All of a dither as per usual!"

Kenny Dalglish

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'My ultimate goal is to do product promo in a popular Super Bowl T.V ad.'

'Not much gets past our new goalie!'

Beer Order

'I've never seen so many strikers in one team before.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'