Faux Sincerity Fan Gifts

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

"I lettered in spelling."

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Alarmistclock

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

Safety Barriers

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"

"Do you prefer the tile engineered to look like wood, or the wood engineered to look like tile?"

The Return Of The Minipants

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Do you have a shoe for roaming and prowling?"

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

"So, how's your other half?"

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

'The kidnappers want 500.000,- Euros for the boss. I offered them 600.000,- Euro to keep him.'

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

"Eddie, what were you thinking? Either wear boots or go barefoot."

A bill poster pasting up a wanted poster of himself.

"I'd like to take a few minutes to make a series of promises I have no intention of keeping."

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

Waiter thinks drowning man is asking for 5 beers

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'