Fatherly Guidance Fan Gifts

"Never trust anyone who claims to know what's going on."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"Anachronism or not, it just ain't the fourth without the ribs and Willie Nelson."

"From right to left, you have your tekkamaki, your futomaki, and then your yamaimo roll. The little pile of pink stuff is ginger, the green one's wasabi. And, of course, you already recognize your vodka martini."

"Incidentally, my men's group has retrograded into a poker game."

'I started as an office boy and growled my way to the top.'

Boy sits at father's desk at work and says on phone: 'OK, I'll have my boys call your boys ..'

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"Imagine! In the past year alone, Thomas Jefferson has learned to speak Swahili and play the glockenspiel."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'Of course, the future isn't what it used to be.'

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

'Are we ready to order?'

"Can you wangle me some parental leave?"

God and His Copilot.

"Now...this piece of paper will reveal even more."

Freak Family.

The day after Father's Day.

'I'm not giving you a lift. If you want to run away from home, run.'

George Washington

'Just think of me as your life coach.'

"The news lady says this bad guy was charged with assault...but he didn't have rifle. How's that possible?!"

"I do miss the crystal ball."

'Don't rush me! I need some time to process everything.'

You Will Find a Nearby Restaurant!

'I am too the boss of you!'

Tee for Two

"Okay...seriously...it's nothing to worry about, Dad."

'Why did you call me son? You're not my father.'

"My mom said I can't come here anymore." "What? Why not, Billy?" "She said she sends me here to get hot chocolate, not to get bad relationship advice." "What 'bad' advice? All my advice is solid gold." "You told me to call the IRS with an anonymous tip about Andrea Wheaton's father avoiding taxes, so next time he tells her I'm a bad influence he'll look like a hypocrite." "That didn't work?"

World's greatest dad: free toy inside!

Confidence.

Vulcan

'You're not losing a daughter, Dad, you're gaining a son.' 'You're still moving out, right?!'

'What is clausophobia?' - 'Fear of Father Christmas.'