Fashion Pundit T-Shirts

"You look thinner with vertical stripes."

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Have you any W fronts?'

All it takes is a little willpower and a good metabolism...

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"I must say Jeff, there's something about your personal brand that I find refreshing."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I'm having second thoughts about those damn school uniforms."

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

The Inventor of the Man Bun!

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

The big questions in life.

"Mom, can I obliterate New Jersey? Pleeease, mom?"

"It's a cross between pop and rap. We call it 'pap.'"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Gap... Tony Soprano fit"

"Chills, Randy. I feel chills. And I can't move." "And I can't remember the last time my palms were this sweaty." "This must've been what people felt like when they heard the Allies were finally invading Normandy on D-Day." "No way any movie can live up to this hype." "Wolverine day is almost upon us." "We are about to embark upon the great crusade..."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"Is this 'pollocks'."

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

Don Jr.

'She'll be back!!!'