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"You look thinner with vertical stripes."

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

All it takes is a little willpower and a good metabolism...

'Have you any W fronts?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

"I must say Jeff, there's something about your personal brand that I find refreshing."

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

The Inventor of the Man Bun!

"I'm having second thoughts about those damn school uniforms."

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

"It's a cross between pop and rap. We call it 'pap.'"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"Is this 'pollocks'."

"Chills, Randy. I feel chills. And I can't move." "And I can't remember the last time my palms were this sweaty." "This must've been what people felt like when they heard the Allies were finally invading Normandy on D-Day." "No way any movie can live up to this hype." "Wolverine day is almost upon us." "We are about to embark upon the great crusade..."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"Gap... Tony Soprano fit"

"Mom, can I obliterate New Jersey? Pleeease, mom?"

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Don Jr.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'She'll be back!!!'