Fashion Fanatic Gifts

'It's from our 'One Size Fits None' line.'

Fittings for jeans: 'unfortunate paunch', 'persistent lumps', 'just weird.'

'Not sure if that comes in your size. Let's see if I can find someone who cares.'

Gok Wan

'Before you say anything, I've saved more than you earn in a month!'

Choosing What To Wear.

"I was told I could bring my wardrobe consultant."

"I didn't realise it was a formal do."

"No -- she'll just use it to buy more shoes."

'Does my bum look big in this'

"Don't blame me, it was you who suggested meeting outside of a shoe shop."

Image Consultant

"My tailor just won't accept that I've grown as a person."

'He wears a necktie like he means it.'

'The only really satisfying relationship I ever had was with my clothes.'

So it's a short back and sides, but leave the horns!

100% Bombast-Filled Parka

Rich Cow

'Now that's what I call a beautiful fit.'

'It's a tramp stamp.'

On the Colonial Tour.

Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have worn my favorite shirt.

You're not wearing that to our marriage counseling appointment, are you?

After deliberating on the topic for weeks, I've decided to grow out my toenails. Why? My mane of hair is lustrous and thick. My musk is overpowering. My muscles, toned. Primal. Sinewy. My chest hair is coifed and glistening. But I can't rest on my laurels. The only way to maximize my animal magnetism at this point is to grow talons. I'm a victim of my success. And here I was worried about world peace.

I can't believe I missed out on the whole beard craze last year. I'm not making the same mistake this year. What do you think of my reverse-beard? I do believe I'm the first person to rock one of these babies. Well … "Well" what? To "rock" something is also very last-year, if you ask me. Oh. You're right. And "babies" is kind of outdated too. I do believe I'm the first person to classical one of these elderlies. Keep trying.

Vanilla Ice Cream a la Mode.

Alien sales clerk.

"If we could just get Bill Gates to dress better, everyone would dress better."

"I decided against monogrammed initials for privacy reasons."

Crocodiles in the Water

Flip This Housecoat

"The shoes also have an app that connects to your phone, watch and computer to keep track of all your superfluous purchases."

Hat Swap

"I hope you didn't take too much off the top!"

"Oh, no, no, I think it looks great. I was just wondering, do you use a gel or something?"