Fans Of Witty Humor Gifts

'I guess my problem is I've never really had anyone to look up to.'

You must be this tall to bump head on sign.

'You're sexy when your mind is somewhere else.'

"Yep, I was the little runt you used to tease all the time! Guess what, I had a late growth spurt..."

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

Raised by Dogs

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

'Hon, I'm home!'

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"Wa-wa. . . wa-wa. . . wa-wa. . ."

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

Make your own bottled water.

Clairvoyant - I want to divorce my husband. He's having an affair next week.

"No Eric, you're NOT funny haha. . . you're funny peculiar. . !"

Privatization and Deregulation are the gas in the engine of the economy.

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

A better way to sweep the floor.... just shuffle!

Yeti/Not Yeti

"I seriously doubt that's going to count."

"Why did we buy such huge furniture?"

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

'Say, aren't you the building inspector who gave us such a hard time when we were building a house last year?'

Arm puncture...

Print Media

'Now that we've lulled you with our no-haggle sales policy, our finance manager will apply heavy arm twisting for dealer add-ons.'

'You look lovely today.'

"And this little hybrid beauty runs on either gas or liposuction fat."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"And what would you consider your legacy to be, Dr. Fauci, when all of this is behind us?"

Koko's little list

Updated Classic: The Waistland