Fans Of Ironic Humor Gifts

"I took your advice."

'I wouldn't buy any long term magazine subscriptions.'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

End the Winter Blues

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"What are you talking about? We don’t even have a toilet seat!"

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"If you ask me, a day at the beach is no damn day at the beach."

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

Make your own bottled water.

"Let's face it, if we were getting any customers they'd have been here by now."

"Your job could be worse and I'm open to any suggestion to make it so."

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

Tycoon on beach listens to "office sounds" on CD player

Ordinarily I'd suggest we'd talk our way out...If only we weren't so God damn tasty!

'Waiter. Tonight, we're pulling out all the stops! Get her the steak special and I'll have the pork chops.'

Equal opportunities inspector "I hear he got his job because he knew someone"

Privatization and Deregulation are the gas in the engine of the economy.

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

No Layoffs Next 200 Miles

"Do you have any books on perception?"

Drücke dein Glück: Covid-Testausgabe

Cow Pat Planning

"Why did we buy such huge furniture?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

"I seriously doubt that's going to count."