Fan Of Twisted Humor T-Shirts

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"Bless You."

'Keep it under you hat, but I want you to enrich some uranium.'

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Death, Pestilence, (Drugs) War, Famine.

'Hey, I made a hole in Juan.'

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

'I wish I'd never seen Lost, now.'

"Guys, guys! He's pointing at me! This is great, I've never been picked first before!"

One day having a great personality was going to become a crucial evolutionary trait...

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"What do I remember about my mother? Well, for starters, she was delicious."

Hey Doug just out of interest, did you run a reference check on that new guy?

'What are you implying?'

'How long have you had this death wish?'

'Nah, the Boss ain't in yet. Can I 'elp?'

"Look, I'm bored, you're bored – why don't you let me go down there and shake things up a bit?"

"On the plus side, it's nice to be doing something together."

"What happened to the hospital gown you were given?"

'Oh, drat. My cell phone battery is dead.'

"How the 'Clint Eastwood is Stan Laurel's son' rumour started"

"We're heading south for the winter—any chance we can get the place again next spring?"

"Sometimes good things just happen. Try not to beat yourself up over it."

Laughing Policeman: Insert One Prozac

Gravedigger

The Latter Day Wisdom of Solomon

Hell.

'Before we get married, Doris, there is something I need to get off my chest.'

'I'm sorry I shot you for jaywalking, sir, but this is my first day on the job.'