Family Trouble Shooter Gifts

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

$1: Family Secrets

"Well, my paycheck barely pays the bills, I might need a second job, my wife is on my case, and my dad's in the hospital."

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

"We need to have a serious talk."

'Hey, Dad! How about a round of computer golf?'

Just your average family holiday portrait.

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

Mario's Family Portraits.

'Gee, mom, how DID that happen? Maybe we better Google it!'

Genealogy Service. Family Trees Traced. I discovered that not only are you heir to an unclaimed family fortune, but I'm your long lost brother Wally!

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

My Gay Son Never Calls

"That's the seventh time Dad's waved at me."

Later that day, little Johnny got in big trouble for playing with them.

'My Social Worker said SOCIETY is to blame for my loutish behaviour, which came as an enormous relief to me.'

'If you text for a glass of water one more time, Daddy's going to take away your cell phone.'

"I don't understand people who say children should be seen and not heard. Why would anyone want to hear them?"

Colonel Bagshot.

"When they say to use protection... this is what you're protecting against."

"What a gloriously sunny day...! I must get in the garden and burn something..."

What's mom's deal? She thinks we lie to her. Careful with the work "we," my little peck. Girls never lie. That was a whopper!

'We haven't had much luck finding your ancestors. But we did manage to trace that suit you're wearing all the way back to the early 80's.'

"I feel guilty because I introduced my Dad to video games and now he's addicted to them!"

CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, 'He wants to be a cop!'

"After two weeks winter holiday in the Alps with the wife and my four kids, it is wonderfully relaxing to come back to a stressful workday!"

The Very Last Dinosaur

'If you think you're going to sit around here while I wait on you hand and big foot, think again young man.'

'Fingers crossed this is the last time I have to visit the old goat.'

GENEALOGY - FAMILY TREE RESEARCH, 'Whoa! -- John Wilkes Booth AND Benedict Arnold?'

'I see that you have two sisters and you like the Beatles. I predict that you will graduate in 2012...'

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

Bob spent years tracking down his birth parents only to discover the awful truth. They lied. He had never been adopted.

War Games

"My birth mother? I've given up looking."