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'Was it you or your brother that died?'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"I'm so good at this!"

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

"I read the audio book."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'Grandparents! This time last year I wasn't good enough to marry your daughter, but now I've fathered the brightest child in the universe!'

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."