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'Was it you or your brother that died?'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"I'm so good at this!"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Brilliance runs in my family, but in a zig-zag pattern.

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

Black and white penguins with gray and black and white child.

"I read the audio book."

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."