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"Let me see what my mother wants — aside from attention."

"A word of fatherly advice, Marty: keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. That way there's no room for useless in-laws to squeeze in."

Domestic scene, "You're dad enjoys a special relationship with the budgie"

"MY brother is the real black sheep of the family. He made mom cry and Dad disowned him. He's a politician!"

"It's amazing how the captures one's true, inner self."

Things that don't last 2 seconds...the idea that your l'il sis might actually be good at something.

"Oh look Charles! You've got a card from my mother."

'It's your mother!'

'So, it's equal.'

'I've been meaning to have a word with you Kevin about your Mother coming to stay with us.'

'Look, mother, it's Mabel special - Alphabet noodle soup.'

"Ladies and gentleman this your captain. We are experiencing a flight delay but we hope to get you up in the air just as soon as I find a polite way to end this conversation with my father-in-law."

"The bad news is that we're not your real parents. . . The good news is that you'll be out of the nest by February."

"You said it. I heard it. There's no taking it back, Harold!"

"We're spending August with his parents in Hell."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"Act your birth order!"